Dear Ruby,
About a year ago I met someone online completely by accident. It started as casual conversation. At the time I was going through a very lonely period in my life. My marriage had emotionally faded years ago, my boy was grown and needed to focus more on his education and further more into becoming someone great in life, and most days felt repetitive and emotionally empty.
What surprised me most was how quickly this person became part of my daily routine. We started every morning together with messages, talked throughout the day, shared personal stories, fears, frustrations, jokes, and eventually intimate feelings.
He made me feel seen again.
The strange thing about online relationships is that they can become emotionally intense very quickly because so much of the connection is based on words, attention, emotional vulnerability, and imagination. In some ways it felt more emotionally open than relationships I’ve had in real life.
But over time I started noticing a painful pattern.
Whenever things were light, flirtatious, romantic, or emotionally uplifting, he was very present. But when I was stressed, exhausted, overwhelmed, or needed emotional support myself, he often disappeared emotionally. Sometimes for hours, sometimes days. The conversations would suddenly become distant, short, distracted, or redirected back toward his own struggles.
I started feeling guilty for even having needs💔.
If I mentioned being emotionally drained, worried about finances, stressed at work, or overwhelmed by family situations, I would somehow end up comforting him instead of feeling supported myself.
There were also repeated emergencies and difficult situations in his life that seemed to require emotional rescuing. I tried to be understanding because I genuinely cared about him. But eventually I started questioning whether I was loved for who I was, or valued mostly for the emotional stability and support I provided.
The hardest part is that I still care deeply about him.
I don’t believe he is intentionally cruel. I think he is emotionally damaged, insecure, scared, and searching for stability himself. But I also think relationships become unhealthy when one person constantly carries the emotional weight while suppressing their own exhaustion to avoid conflict or abandonment.
Now I feel emotionally confused😕
Part of me feels selfish for pulling back emotionally. Another part feels hurt that someone who says they love me seems least available when I need reassurance, consistency, or peace.
My question is this?
How do you tell the difference between someone who truly loves you but is emotionally overwhelmed… and someone who mainly loves the comfort, attention, validation, and support you provide?
— Emotionally Drained😖💔.
Dear Drained,
I read your letter several times. It is missing a lot of background information. Is your friend married? Have you sent him seductive pictures? Have you requested money from him? Did he send you money? Do his emergencies involve supporting his own family?
There is an interesting theory saying there are 3 types of love: committed, romantic and desire. Committed love is that of marriage. It is long-term dedication to the partner. The best marriages will contain all three types. Romantic love is dating, holding hands, conversing and teasing. Finally, desire is pure chemistry. It is the visceral desire to touch and show love physically.
In this relationship the person is not looking for committed love. He has that and it comes with financial commitment, pain and sacrifice. Considering desire, since you don’t actually have the opportunity to touch, the closest you can get is in ones imagination. So it’s not likely your friend is enjoying a desirous physical relationship.
This leaves a romantic relationship. The relationship is expected to be lite, happy, exciting without baggage.
He obviously misled you, but he is probably being perfectly honest about saying he loves you. He loves the fun and excitement of romance, not a committed love that he already has and is probably not completely happy with because he is searching for adventure.
His responses to you expressing your exhaustion and financial woes, may be a narcissistic attempt to say he understands and is finding a way to maintain some sort of relationship. In any event, he does not appear ready to disrupt his life no matter how unhappy he may be. He is cheating with you. He probably feels guilty and he knows (or does not intend) to have any further, deeper relationship. Pressuring him will only make things worse.
Manage your own life. Play and flirt if you enjoy the situation, but don’t plan on any deeper relationship.
~Ruby