Dear Ruby,
I have a 13 year old daughter. She has reached puberty so her breasts are filling out. She won’t talk about her situation at school but, I suspect she is being teased about her breast size. She has suddenly decided that she wants to transition to a boy.
I am sickened with the thought that she is following a trend that is glamorized in the media. She will not talk or listen to anyone. I don’t even know how my wife found out for sure, although she is making changes in her appearance that support the idea. My wife is starting to appear okay with it. I can’t understand how she could possibly condone her actions.
Fortunately for us, our schools are not allowed to initiate any kind of indoctrination, although I think there are a couple of teachers that support the kid’s notions.
I don’t know where to start to address the situation. My daughter is too young and ignorant of her own feelings to make a decision like this. I can’t believe that my wife would support this behavior in any way. I believe this is mental illness caused by the stress of being teased, which is something that needs to be confronted not something to run from. All our lives we all need to learn how to ignore others’ opinions, not change ourselves mentally or physically to accommodate the opinions of others.
How should I handle the situation with my wife? I am furious that she would support this behavior in any way. What could she possibly be thinking?
We are on a limited budget, so it would be difficult for us to manage the cost of private school. However, I will do whatever it takes to prevent this ridiculous mistake.
Please send me your comments and guidance.
Sincerely,
Trans Dad
Dear Trans Dad,
First, thank you for writing. I can hear how frightened, confused, and overwhelmed you are. When a child says or does something that seems to change the future you imagined for them, it’s understandable that a parent experiences grief, fear, and even anger. Those emotions don’t automatically make you a bad father, they make you a father who is struggling to understand.
What concerns me most, however, is not your daughter’s gender identity. It is the growing distance between the three of you. Right now, your daughter doesn’t feel safe talking, you and your wife appear to be moving in different directions, and everyone seems to be acting from fear instead of understanding.
You mentioned that you suspect she has been teased about her developing body. If that is happening, it deserves attention regardless of whether it has anything to do with her thoughts about being a boy. Bullying can deeply affect a young person’s confidence, self-image, and emotional well-being. Your daughter needs to know that her parents care about her pain, not just the conclusions she has reached.
It is also important to recognize that no one outside your daughter can know with certainty why she feels the way she does. There are many possible influences on identity, and assuming there is only one explanation may close the door to honest conversation.
Instead of asking, “How do I stop this?” try asking, “Help me understand what you’re feeling.”
Those are very different questions.
Your wife may not be “condoning” anything. She may simply be trying to keep communication open with your daughter. Many parents respond differently under stress. One parent may immediately want to protect, while the other wants to understand before reacting. Neither approach is necessarily motivated by a lack of love.
Before arguing with your wife, ask her privately what she is thinking. Listen carefully. She may have information or conversations with your daughter that you haven’t heard. Your marriage needs to remain a team, even if you don’t currently agree on every issue.
I would also encourage your family to seek guidance from a qualified family therapist or counselor who has experience working with adolescents and families. The goal should not be to pressure your daughter toward one outcome or another, but to create a safe environment where everyone can communicate honestly, reduce conflict, and better understand what is happening.
Meanwhile, there are a few things you can do immediately:
– Tell your daughter you love her unconditionally, even if you’re confused.
– Ask questions with curiosity instead of assumptions.
– Take concerns about bullying seriously and work with the school if needed.
– Avoid insults, threats, or ultimatums. They rarely change minds, but they often damage trust.
– Keep talking with your wife privately and respectfully, even when emotions run high.
Your daughter is still growing. Adolescence is a time of enormous emotional, physical, and psychological change. She needs parents who are present, calm, and willing to listen, even when the conversations are difficult.
The goal right now is not to win an argument. The goal is to preserve your relationship with your daughter while seeking wisdom together as a family.
Love does not require abandoning your values. It does require patience, humility, and a willingness to understand before deciding what comes next.
I wish peace and wisdom for you, your wife, and most of all, your daughter.
Warmly,
Ruby