Dear Ruby,
I have been married for more than 30 years. I am having an online relationship with a 25 year old. I like to comment on Facebook posts of attractive women. I always try to be clever instead of making blatantly obvious, crude statements. It seems that I attract a lot of women who contact me via communication apps.
They always start with a ‘Hi” and exchange some introductions. I may fudge my age a little, but I always say that am married with children.
They say that age doesn’t matter and they just like being friends.
What seemed like harmless fun turned into very strong feelings for this “girl.” She even plays along with passionate virtual make-out sessions.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt her, but I don’t want to lead her on any longer. I am also afraid to hurt my wife if she were to find out.
She is so much fun, I hate to give her up. What should I do?
Signed,
FB Love
Dear FB Love,
What you’re experiencing may feel exciting and harmless, but it isn’t. You are already in emotional territory that can hurt multiple people, your wife, this young woman, and ultimately yourself.
You say you don’t want to hurt anyone, yet you are actively maintaining a situation that risks doing exactly that. Emotional affairs are still affairs. The secrecy, the intensity, and the intimacy you’re describing are not “just friendship,” no matter how cleverly it began.
The reality is this: you are married. That commitment should guide your actions. If something is missing in your marriage, that is where your attention belongs, not in the attention of someone 25 years old who only knows a curated version of you.
As for this young woman, the kindest thing you can do is be honest and step back. Continuing to engage while knowing you cannot offer her anything real is, in itself, leading her on.
You don’t have to be harsh, but you do have to be clear:
– End the romantic and flirtatious communication
– Stop putting yourself in situations that invite this kind of attention
– Refocus on your real life and the commitments you’ve already made.
You’re not a bad person, but you are at a crossroads. One path leads to temporary excitement and long-term damage. The other requires discipline and honesty, but preserves your integrity.
Choose carefully.
—Ruby