Dear Ruby,
I have been in what I consider to be a sexless marriage for a long time. It’s probably mostly my fault, much of it do to upbringing that used guilt and same to control my behavior.
I was very much in love with her when we first married, and I still feel very strongly about her wellbeing. I know that she had little confidence, or self-esteem, and was extremely jealous and accusing, which had no basis in truth.
For most of our married life we had little sex. Not blaming her, but she never flirted with me, she almost never wore anything seductive (can almost count the times she did). And, when ever she did indicate she was in the mood, she didn’t participate. She would only tell me what not to do. This was like an on going episode of two and half men.
There were times when I waited to see how long it would take her to even hint that she wanted sex. I can tell you she could go for months without a word.
We went to therapy at one point. The therapist said she was afraid of me. There was never a valid reason to fear me other than a strong voice in a fight. The therapist seemed to giver permission to be more feminine, which seem to improve things a bit. But, any encounters are still completely based in my initiative. Sex requires a body massage for her that ends in minutes with her orgasm, where she becomes so sensitive she doesn’t want to be touched. I wind up satisfying myself.
My complaint and question is this. She never shows any passion. She is physically satisfied, but barely participates. She seems to appreciate my effort but never really returns the favor with enthusiasm.
Is this behavior normal? Is she just going through the motions to maintain the status quo.
~Sexless in Jersey
Dear Sexless,
Thank you for writing so openly. I can hear the weight in your words, and more than anything, I hear a man who has been trying, for a long time, to make sense of something that doesn’t quite feel right.
Let me start with this: what you’re experiencing is not uncommon, but that doesn’t make it easy, and it doesn’t make it something you should ignore.
You’re describing a relationship where there is care, history, and a sense of responsibility… but very little mutual intimacy. And over time, that creates a quiet kind of loneliness that can be hard to explain, especially when everything looks “fine” from the outside.
From what you’ve shared, there are a few things happening at the same time.
First, your wife may not experience desire the same way you do. Some people have very low or responsive desire, meaning they don’t think about intimacy unless something else triggers it, emotional connection, relaxation, or physical closeness. That could explain the long gaps and lack of initiation.
But that alone doesn’t fully explain what you’re feeling.
What stands out more is the lack of engagement. Intimacy isn’t just about frequency, it’s about shared participation, energy, and connection. When one person consistently carries the responsibility for initiating, guiding, and sustaining it, it stops feeling like something shared… and starts to feel like something performed.
Over time, that can leave you feeling unappreciated, undesired, and even a bit invisible.
You also mentioned guilt and upbringing on your side, and fear and low self-esteem on hers. Those are powerful forces. When they exist together, they can quietly shape a relationship into something very cautious, very controlled… and not very expressive.
Her behavior doesn’t sound like someone intentionally withholding or manipulating. It sounds more like someone who may:
– feel uncomfortable expressing desire
– struggle with confidence in her body or sexuality
– rely on a familiar pattern that feels “safe,” even if it’s not fulfilling
But here’s the part that matters most: A relationship can continue like this for years, not because it’s working, but because both people have adapted to it. You asked if she’s just maintaining the status quo It’s possible. Not out of indifference, but out of habit, comfort, or not knowing how to change it.
That said, your needs matter too. Wanting enthusiasm, reciprocity, and a sense of being desired is not unreasonable. It’s human.
The question isn’t just “is this normal?” It’s “is this sustainable for you?” And more importantly: Have you ever told her how this feels, not just what’s happening, but how it affects you? Not in frustration. Not in blame. But in honesty.
Because what you’re really asking for isn’t just more intimacy. You’re asking to feel wanted. And that’s a conversation worth having.
With care,
Ruby